Anxious attachment with your partner? How to drop the trauma and thrive

As relationship therapists in our practice in Evanston/Chicago, we often see anxious clients who are dating or married and feel frustrated. No matter how much their partner assures them that they are loved and wanted in the relationship, they seem incapable of exhaling and relaxing. Consequently, they require constant communication of their partner’s whereabouts. Any emotional or physical distance feels like abandonment and sends their anxiety through the roof.  Can you relate to any of this? If you can, read on to learn more about anxious attachment and how therapy can help you learn to feel more secure with your partner.

So, what is anxious attachment?

Attachment theory originated out of studies conducted with children and their primary caregivers. Depending on the type of relationship a child had with a caregiver, how did they respond after a caregiver’s absence? While these theories originally described the attachments in children, these theories have been generalized to describe relationship styles in adults.

Secure attachment, avoidant attachment, and fearful-avoidant attachment make up the other forms of attachment in attachment theory. So, anxious attachment looks like this:

Anxious attachment is a type of insecure attachment style rooted in a fear of abandonment and an insecurity of being underappreciated. People with an anxious attachment style, also called preoccupied attachment disorder, often feel nervous about being separated from their partner.

Here are 7 signs of anxious attachment in adults:

1. Insecure in relationships
2. Clingy or possessive
3. Scared of rejection
4. Jealous
5. Distrusting of others
6. Overwhelmed by intimacy but long for it
7. Low or negative view of self

What’s your childhood got to do with an anxious attachment style?

Children who grow up with caregivers who consistently responded healthily to their needs and felt soothed in the process are more likely to have a secure attachment style as an adult.

It seems like adults who now struggle with anxious attachment had caregivers who inconsistently showed them attention and affection. Therefore, they grew up not being sure of when they would get their needs met.

Negative caregiver behaviors: brewing up anxious attachment

Also, caregivers may have lavished them with affection and dialed into their needs only to make themselves look like “the good parent.” Hence, the adult in your life did not consider your needs as a child in this exchange.

Today that might look like taking a child on a no-expenses barred trip to Disneyworld, only to document the entire adventure on social media. The caregiver is seeking positive affirmation from peers or family. As a child in this scenario, you would have to play along with this farce to make your caregiver look good for the ‘Gram. In the end, you may not have enjoyed the trip at all. At other times your caregiver entirely neglected your needs.

Relationship therapists like us use the term “misattunement” to label the caregiver behavior we just described. The adult is not attempting to tune into the needs or desires of the child. This parenting style of a child often leads to anxious attachment in an adult. When an adult satisfies their hunger for love and reassurance from a child, this attention destabilizes a child and causes them to be overly concerned about the needs of the adult.

So how do you tell if you have an anxious attachment style?

If you texted your partner at 9:00 am, and they haven’t replied by noon, do you start to worry? Do you incessantly ask your partner to affirm their love for you and devotion to you? Do you feel so uncertain about your partner’s dedication to your couple that you are ready for them to break up with you/divorce you at any moment? Are you unnecessarily controlling in your relationship? Is your self-esteem so low that you are hyper-focused on your partner’s needs and allow your needs to go unaddressed? Are you very clingy and overly dependent on others in a relationship? Do you hate being alone?

These are an array of behaviors that characterize an anxious attachment. You might also easily be jealous or always seek the approval of your partner.

How can you create more secure attachments in relationships?

Have hope. You have several actionable steps to take to drop the trauma you may have experienced in your life and to thrive in a relationship with a secure attachment.

Watch out for these triggers

Replaying an old script

If a caregiver raised you in a way that left you wondering about their love and affection for you, you might seek a person who will allow you to replay that old script. This person will be emotionally (or physically) unavailable. In return, you may become clingy and demanding. The more you pursue them looking for validation, the more they desire to retreat from you. And the dance continues.

afraid of your partner’s need for independence

Intellectually you may know that you cannot satisfy all of your partner’s needs. Yet when your partner seeks to get their needs met outside of the relationship, you may fear abandonment.

Excessive worry when your partner is not available

Your partner has a weighty deadline looming trying to finish a major project. Instead of assuming that they are lying about the workload and are cheating on you, trust their reason for not being available to you.

Try this…Can therapy help?

If you want to be in a relationship, you might seek someone with a secure attachment style. Of course, none of us is perfect. Yet seeing a more measured way of being in a relationship may help you adjust your style.

Journaling can serve so many purposes. You will be able to keep track of how your triggers and how often they happen. After some time of jotting down your thoughts, you will hopefully begin to see patterns. Armed with this knowledge, you can replace your reaction to a trigger with a healthy response.

Giving your thoughts concrete form in words on a page is another reward of journaling. You can begin to have a generous curiosity about the thoughts you are having.

Work with someone like us to uncover and address any past trauma impacting your current relationships. Once you can make meaning of past negative influences, you can set yourself up to be less triggered by certain circumstances.

If we work together, we can also address your current thinking and behavior patterns using a method called cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. We will look at the stories you are telling yourself about your partner. This work helps to anchor you in more positive thinking and behavior patterns.

Book a free consultation. We look forward to helping you. You can drop your anxious attachment style and develop more secure attachments and healthy, satisfying relationships.